Thursday, December 23, 2010

still hungry

I keep looking to other things to satisfy me. I am still holding out hope that this will finally give me that all-encompassing feeling of delight and fulfillment. Or this is what I have been missing and now I won't have those bad days or now with this I can be happy. Why is there still that slice of unbelief in my heart that the Lord isn't all I need? Maybe because people and circumstances have let me down I am still searching for that one environment, or that one person, or that one aspect of me that will finally work. I just haven't found it, I'm just not there yet, but once I am, once I find IT, then everything will be okay. 
Here is the thing, I know Jesus is everything, I have experienced firsthand that He is what satisfies. But, since life is still a struggle, since I still feel hurt and sorrow and disappointment, then I think I unconsciously convince myself that I need Jesus + something. I won't settle for just Jesus because He mustn't be the answer since life is still really hard. This might be a post of despair, but it's not meant to be. It's just me being raw about how I want the Lord to be my all but I still come to this place where He isn't, or where I don't believe He can sustain me. I still have this idea that the perfect family, or the best friends or a boyfriend/husband, or living in the perfect city that has a beach and mountains and river all 5 minutes away will be what makes me happy.
I've somehow persuaded myself that this life is all about me and satisfying me and my needs and desires. So when I am disappointed then I look to God and say "what the heck? Why do you want me to be unsatisfied? Why won't you just bless me?"
Don't get me wrong, this is not a regular occurrence of thought, and most of my days are spent wondering how I can please Him further, and how am I loving Christ and others in my life. I am thinking this way because I came home and found that I don't love being home. It hasn't been very long and I am already wanting to go back to school. Now that tells me 2 things: it tells me that San Diego is not where I am supposed to be. I love coming home, but spiritually, emotionally and mentally I am not here anymore. God has placed me somewhere else for a reason. It also tells me that I need to look to the Lord in these times, rather then wishing I was somewhere with friends and beautiful nature and my room that is so me (rather than the room at home that has been used for foreign exchange students so is coldly empty but yet still retains memories from high school I do not enjoy revisiting). Those aren't bad things, but I want to be satisfied with Jesus no matter where I am. Because, the truth is that a husband isn't going to give me a happily-ever-after and the ideal friendships don't exist and won't be what satisfies. Maybe it is about having that eternal perspective we sometimes talk about. Kind of accepting that this world is going to disappoint but it is not God that is letting us down, and there will come a time when nothing will let us down! Heaven is what I am searching for. And Christ is the closest thing on earth to heaven.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

musical interruption

I am taking a break halfway through the hermanos to tell all of you to STOP what you are doing and listen to this amazing husband and wife duo singing in their group, Tennis.

After sailing along the Eastern seaboard for 8 months, husband and wife, Patrick and Alaina, made a record. And I for one cannot get enough of it. 

for your listening pleasure...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Trevor Dayton Bishop!
-->T-Bird, Trev.  (second oldest)
Oh Trevor, the life of the party. And I say that without an ounce of sarcasm. It is so comforting to have Trevor around because he is the least awkward person I know. He is very personable. It helps that the amount of humor in just his big toe far outstretches the level of hilarity any average person attains in their entire lifetime. Too much? Well it's my blog so I'm allowing a bit of hyperbole.

But honestly, Trevor is probably the funniest person I know. I love how he has such a stunning gift to see something comical in any situation. I enjoy taking life a little less seriously and with Trevor I can do just that. I feel free to make light of things around him and it's nice that he and I have reached a point in our relationship where we both make each other laugh. Cuz I gotta tell ya, much of my life ambition is to gain the approval of my brothers and that definitely included having Trevor think I am funny. 
And if Trevor told me I was funny, I would believe him because he rarely (if ever) says something he does not mean. He will very genuinely pay you a compliment or encourage you in some area. He loves to love people, to bring people together, to make new friends (sound familiar--> kinda like yours truly:)

T-Bird is so bright. There are so many things he is good at and can excel in. He knows SO MUCH about sports, he is a fantastically witty and talented writer, creative as all get out, impressively analytical, and has got a nice set of singing pipes as well.

He loves the Lord and he loves to love the Lord. He isn't afraid to worship his heart out to God, he won't shy away from praying or telling the Lord what is on his mind. He has never abandoned his faith. He may get frustrated or confused but he'll keep pressing on.
I like that Trevor is a funny guy but can be real and enjoys the regular deep conversation. He'll share such wisdom about God's character and love with you, and put it in a very new way but still full of truth. I like that he comes to ask me about girls, or see if his outfit is classy or whimsical (whatever look he is going for that night).

T-bird loves the Chronicles of Narnia, he loves the Chargers, the Padres and the SDSU Aztecs. T-Bird will make brownies or cookies at 12am for no reason and be happy to share them. He can quote a thousand lines from Braveheart, the Simpsons, and Wedding Crashers. He'll give you a run for your money in basketball, Frisbee or football. (But challenge him to something in the pool and he will humbly tell you his little sister can tread water/swim circles around his cramped-up body hahah)

Monday, November 29, 2010


Jeffrey Phillip Bishop
--> Jeffreybear, Mr. Bear, Bear: that is the progressive evolution of Jeff's nicknames. Each one of them is still currently used in some fashion by someone in his life. I hop around but generally like to stick with the throwback and original, Jeffreybear. Also not included is what my mom calls him- "feffernooten"...nobody knows.

Moving on, Jeff is SO weird. Seriously. But mostly it is endearing. Jeff is the least like the rest of us Bishop kids. But that is probably a good thing. It just means his humor is nicer and he isn't as loud.
Mr. Bear is such a sweet heart. When I think about him I think of him as my protector and a good listener. Growing up, if my parents were fighting or if I was really upset about family stuff, Jeff was always the one to come to my room and sit with me or see if I was alright. 
He never makes me feel stupid or talks down to me, ever. It is so easy to talk to him about my life or the Lord. I guess I would put it as this: he really shows me that he is so happy to have a sister. I feel loved. 

Bear loves movies, he loves books, and he loves music. He knows so much about actors, directors and just film in general. I always go to him when I want to know if a movie is any good. And talk about a book worm! He will challenge himself in what he reads, and that might mean he reads Don Quixote or it might mean he reads Twilight. If something has received fame or accreditation then Jeffreybear is interested in finding out why. His music taste is bizarre and eclectic. Most of my family do not like (some might even say hates) what he listens to. I probably have the most overlap with him as far as music taste goes (and I still can't stand much of his stuff).

Jeff loves the Lord so much. He can be more of a timid guy, but when I see him most out going is when he is loving the Lord, praying, or talking about what he has received from Christ. I am so confident in his steadfastness with Jesus. The Lord has his heart and I am confident will always hold his heart, because that is how Jeff wants it.

Bear likes dragons. Bear likes Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. Bear loves manly movies with war and violence and action sequences but he has been known to watch Gilmore Girls and a Freddie Prince Jr. movie with me (Boys and Girls). Bear likes to play Frisbee and basketball. And something many people don't know something about Jeffrey Phillip Bishop...he likes to dance. Especially with ME.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

ready, set, BRO

This time at home has been good so far. If you know me then you know how much I enjoy my family. My family consists of 4 brothers. I have decided to make 4 separate posts each describing one of my brudders and their wonderful traits and qualities. Get excited, they are pretty fascinating young men.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

what a day

Balance. I think today was a balanced day. 

I wake up early to go to the school and it's raining. I am not particularly fond of rain but whatever because it means I get to wear my favorite shoes- my pink rain boots! Silver lining. 

I go to class and watch a depressing movie. was about a quadriplegic of 20 years who wanted Euthanasia legalized for himself. 
It's okay because in that same class I find out I really only have 2 more classes I have to attend for the rest of the semester!! BOO YAH. 

Spent some wonderful time in prayer and praising the Lord. He showed me a lot of hard stuff but you know I'm just thankful I serve such a real, loving and teaching God. Good stuff.

I had a tough conversation with someone but it needed to be had. 

Then I go to pick up one of my wyldlife girls for dinner and my car ONCE AGAIN has the check engine light on and begins bouncing every time I try to accelerate too much. I'm worried Martha is dying. I'm not a very good owner :/
(a nice young man with a very thick country accent did stop & really wanted to be sure we were alright and didn't need 8th grade friend then proceeded to call him my boyfriend the next 10 minutes haha)

As much as that sucks it's okay because I am headed to celebrate the wonderful engagement of a friend who I am so happy for :)

....then I have to study for a test tomorrow.

ohhhhhhh life.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

watch this

My brother showed me this link and told me about this band some time ago. They are great. 
The song is truly my desire and my plea.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Singin' sweet songs of melodies pure and true

I'm thankful for friends that listen. 
I'm thankful for sympathy and kindness when I need it. I'm thankful for friends who show grace and understanding when I offer none to myself. 
I'm thankful for the Lord and His promises to me. I am thankful for His love and even though there are plenty of times when I seem to think it is not enough, I know there are just as many times when I know in my heart that it IS enough.
I'm thankful for fun, and friends that indulge in the fun with me and we can be free and not judge one another for having a drink or being honest about something. (But also knowing there is a line not to cross and keeping one another mindful of it ;)

Even in my sadness and confusion I can find peace and that peace is always rooted in the Lord. Even if that peace does not come directly from the Bible, prayer, or what have you it always at least indirectly comes from Him. 
I'm working through a lot & I tend to get frustrated when it takes me a while to overcome something but I know there is a rainbow at the end of the storm (maybe even a double...what does it mean?!?!)

So for this weekend I will be okay with not having everything together or not understanding people or my life and just be thankful. I have a lot to be thankful for.

(p.s.- it totally did not cross my mind when writing this post that it is a week until Thanksgiving. HAH how appropriate!)

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Same thing next week, please

It's a real treat having a friend of mine and fellow young lifer as a professor. Kristi Doubet is my professor for an instructional methods class (secondary education course). I enjoy her as a person and equally as much as a teacher. I suppose sometimes I forget she is my professor and tell her things as Kristi, not as Dr. Doubet. This is a story about the result of said actions.

Last class we were put into groups to work on our knowledge of proper assessment making...yadda yadda yadda. Well, I was in a group with a young man in my class who I happen to find quite attractive (understatement). Yes, yes that's right how funny Kelly admitted to finding a guy in class good looking, something I am sure none of you have thought right?
WELL, after class I received a text. It was from Kristi (Dr. Doubet). Kristi was asking me if I enjoyed how she strategically placed me in a group with the aforementioned good looking peer. "WHAT? Oh shoot did I tell you about that?" was my response. "I did enjoy it but I was also quite distracted from the task". Kristi apologizes for that & says "but you didn't seem to mind ;)"

And those are the privileges of knowing your professor on a personal level outside of class. She just might be your best matchmaker.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Yeah you got that somethin

My lovely teammate and I were in the car listening to "I wanna hold your hand" by the Beatles and I believe we were both just thinking- "awwww".  I told her I thought this song was so perfect for Christians because we can sing it and not feel bad about wanting the lyrics to be true. There is nothing inappropriate, sexy or vulgar about the simple joy of wanting to hold the hand of someone you like. Ahh life. 

The first time I held a boys hand was freshman year of high school. I found out Brian Russel liked me and boy was I thrilled. I had never heard of a boy liking me enough to want me to be his girlfriend! So even though I didn't know Brian very well (we both loved Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter and he went to the same youth group I did) I decided to be his girlfriend. Honestly, I mainly did it because it felt so nice to be liked and to have someone. Hey I was 15 okay? Anyway, so Brian took me to the movies (with my best friend and her boyfriend OF COURSE I couldn't go with just him!!) and we saw...ah I can't remember...I feel like it wasn't a movie I totally enjoyed. Whatever, Brian had real bad breath that night. To this day still a big turn off for me. And I knew he was going to go for the hand holding. I think one of my friends may have even told me that he wanted to hold my hand. 
So of course he grabs my hand and we're interlocked, very still, for the entire movie. Like I think my hand was numb because I was just so nervous so I just let my hand sit in his, and by the conclusion of the movie both of our palms were extremely sweaty. As the movie ended I was dying to wipe mine off on my pants, which I did as soon as I stood up. But we wouldn't dare joke about that to each other.
After that I got used to holding his hand everyday during lunch time. Unfortunately Brian and I did not go the distance in our ever-so-deep relationship. Clearly I'm still wounded. 

Thanks for takin a walk with me down nostalgia lane :)

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

apron tied & oven preheated

My dream is to go to culinary school. Buuuuttt that is where culinary school will have to stay- in my dreams. Because it cost mucho dinero and doesn't really fit in with the rest of my life, and yeah it's just a silly desire of mine, I don't think I fully comprehend all that culinary school entails anyway.

Anywho, I will have to just stick to baking (mostly) and (some) cooking in my own kitchen. 
My most recent recipe to tackle: pumpkin cornbread (from scratch of course). Sounds...interesting, right? I thought so too. 
Well corn and pumpkin are 2 great autumn ingredients why not see if they work well together? Plus I bought my corn meal from the farmer's market yessss legit stuff.

First decision in the kitchen: nix the onions. GROSS. I detest onions. Almost all the time. They are almost as bad as nasty mushrooms ...but alas I am straying from story time. SO after solving the problem of those disgusting parasites I soldiered on to complete my bread. After measuring ingredients, combining the dry mix with the liquidy stuff (I've got the terminology down pat) I have my batter completed. Time to taste it. 
Okay, now granted this is unfinished cornbread batter, so it is not going to be as delectable as cookie dough or anything. But still. It was...I dunno...not good. To be frank. A quick call to my mom and she explained that because it called for no sugar, but yes to onions- that means it is not your typical sweet cornbread it's more like a side for something spicy or stew or something. In order to remedy that problem I need more honey and sugar. Clearly I am not going to put up a fight there. Add sugar? No problem.
In the end the pumpkin puree made the bread fantastically moist and the pumpkin, while not extremely recognizable in the taste, did not overpower the cornbread. Pretty decent results for my first try, especially with the slight concluding fiasco. 
And I think my housemates were pleased :)

I love creating something out of a bunch of nothings- some flour, corn meal, salt, honey, pumpkin, eggs etc. I love that in baking you can mess something up but remedy it your next time around. You can experiment with something new and get excited when it turns out well because YOU created that, you made that good decision. And the smells that swirl around and even the mess I make and the final product- it's all so exciting to me. And I especially love pleasing people with treats, seeing them get really excited when they walk in the kitchen to a free dessert, bread, what have you. And then enjoying my creation so much that they sneak back in the kitchen later and sheepishly slice off another piece. Perfect.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

BURSTING at the seams to share

Starting last spring I have been going to the early church in OCP on Sunday mornings. It really stretches me. I definitely have stepped out of my comfort zone on many occasions by going there. But I can't stop. I think I love it. I think I like being challenged because I don't feel like I belong or that I am not like all the other "hippie", simple living, really different folks that attend. When I have gone to other churches around Harrisonburg I feel too comfortable. I understand too much, I am not forced to think differently or accept people who are so different from me. I won't let myself stop going to OCP. It's not a pride thing, I really feel like I should continue going there, I like it especially on mornings like today. 

I am really wrestling with something. Brief recap on what we talked about at this mornings service: Luke 19- Zacchaeus the wealthy tax collector and Jesus staying at his house. 
It launched us into a talk about giving up our possessions. What is poor? What are we holding on to so tightly?
I gotta tell you it was so convicting for me. Normally when topics like this come up I can brush it aside because I am in debt, going to school, leading Wyldlife so giving money there or my mom really struggles with financial ish or I am not nearly as bad as others around me. But this morning, sitting in that room with SO many people who don't have much, or are already living so simply or giving up so much and even they are talking about how much they have or how tightly they hold on to their material possessions really hit me in the face. I spend money on so much stupid stuff!!!! I care so much what people think about me and how I look that I buy new blouses or scarves or shoes or whatfreakinever! There are so many things that I convince myself I "need" or that are "mine". 
I literally did not enjoy the discussion after the message today because I knew it was truth and it was a truth that I was not living. I kept trying to find loop holes to how it did not apply to me. I was so convicted (not guilty, this was all Biblical stuff) and I mean HOW MANY TIMES does the Bible talk about money being the root of all evil, or it being terribly difficult for a rich man to get into heaven, or selling our possessions to give to the poor or not storing up our treasures on earth...that isn't just a fairy tale!!!! Those aren't just nice thoughts!! We can rationalize all we want why we have what we have or how we deserve it or how it's not that bad to buy new stuff or how we already give this or do that but the bottom line is NOTHING IS OURS. EVERYTHING ON THIS EARTH IS THE LORDS. That really hit home for me. 
But I know that with this revelation comes my knowledge and fear that I might start to live differently but then judge all those who don't. I really don't want to turn into a prideful person or think I am better because I shop at thrift stores or let people borrow my car or donate money etc etc. Even though I may believe living that certain way we talked about this morning is what God wants, I can only be responsible for myself. As Ron said (the pastor) I can't point out the dust in the eye of someone else when I have a plank in mine. 
So I am not declaring my drastic transformation to how I will now live, but I really don't want this to fall to the wayside. I believe so much that our minds have been warped by this world to believe that money isn't bad. We have turned so many accessories into necessities it's unbelievable to me. I have lived around people and been surrounded by a culture that has never shown me how other people live, or what it looks like to be content with little and then to even be generous with that little. No good comes from cherishing material things, I don't care what it is.
And even as I type this in my mind I am thinking of people I know who have a lot or buy whatever they want and it's stupid for me to judge them. I need to only focus on how I can change and that worrying about others sins (or whatever that sound harsh I dunno) does nothing good but create dissension and judgment and all that crap in my heart. 
Anyway, basically I am going to let myself take baby steps. I am going to be more conscious of how I spend my money and how I look at my possessions as "mine". WHAT MAKES US THINK WE HAVE THE RIGHT TO ANYTHING? ARE WE SO DESERVING? EVERYTHING BELONGS TO GOD. LOOK AT SOMETHING AND IT'S HIS. 

Anyway, I am clearly very fired up about this and need to pray that it doesn't die down because I believe this is truth and God has called us to live differently.
Maybe after I digest everything from this morning more and pray about it I can come back in a week or more and see how I feel and how I will make changes. 
I pray the Lord really keeps this revelation in my heart and on the forefront of my mind. I believe it will be freeing when I finally do start letting go of 'stuff'.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Give me freedom or give me ingenuine blog posts

I have found myself doing what I wanted to avoid most! 
I have been shamefully writing to an audience. Most of the time, not every time.
Kelly STOP caring what people think

So I had this notion that this blog needs to be filled with my spiritual revelations or wise discoveries, but I am steering off that course a bit and headed for a more relaxed, perhaps even silly destination. GASP!
More posts about nothing because sometimes those even have the most something. 
(I'm still gonna include my spiritual discoveries as well- they are a big part of my life!)

So here's a start: Today I ate lentils for the first time. They weren't bad. 
And I wore a scarf that was very pretty but not worth the compliments considering how often I struggled to make it fall around my neck just right.


Here's a thought: Things can always be worse. 

Really, they can. And in this moment that thought is actually encouraging me. Because my problems are not so big and scary when I think of how much worse they could be. And I don't mean grand life alterations, like I could be a poor orphan in Africa, but even just adjustments to current life situations.
For example, I could be an only child. I could go through difficult things with my parents and have no company or soldiering siblings along for the ride. Instead, I have 4 brothers. Granted, these four brothers can cause me some pain and frustration, but I would be lost without them (and probably more dull too).
I could live with non-Christians who I cannot relate to or who don't understand my way of living. Living with 8 girls can be a challenge, but at least they all know and love the Lord! 
I could not only lead with a guy I dated but also have classes with him. Not even being spared in a school setting from constant encounters with him. I'm just being honest, that would be worse, my current situation is not as bad in comparison.
I could have a poor relationship with my dad AND my mom. As it is, even though things with my dad are terrible, I have the best mom I could ask for and a wonderful relationship with her. (That one I actually do a good job of remembering to be thankful for).
I could hate leading Young Life. Sure, it is a tough, at times discouraging ministry, but I feel so called to do it. How awful if I bitterly and grudgingly went through the motions of leading! I really am glad that I get to share Jesus with middle schoolers.

So, pretty simple. And not the best way to always handle your problems, but it helped me tonight. 


Sunday, October 24, 2010

How is He worth it??

           I can go through trial after trial and come out of it so much stronger in my relationship with the Lord, and yet still- when that next hardship waltzes in I am paralyzed. I am worried, I am angry or confused. So many times the Lord has taken a crappy situation and let it become a point in my life that teaches me something wonderful, or strengthens me and encourages me in His faithfulness. Yet my moaning and groaning arrives right on schedule when a bad circumstance occurs, out of my control. Then I begin to sulk in my misfortunes. "This is so unfair...I did nothing to deserve this...what is Your point Lord in allowing this to happen?" 
I ask those questions A LOT. 
          I was listening to a sermon and the pastor was talking about how trials show us how little power and control we have. Suddenly we realize "I can't fix this!". And that is when our focus has to shift to Jesus because He is greater and He is powerful so He can help us and guide us. Which for me, He always has. And ya know, it really is in those most trying times that I come out more in love with Christ. Take Argentina for example. I still shudder when I think about those 2 horrible months. BUT, I had never been closer to the Lord. I would not trade that time for anything because I learned to really depend on the Lord. I do not believe I would have learned that kind of dependence and reliance if I had been working a job in San Diego, or doing summer staff or living in Harrisonburg. That was exactly where I was supposed to be. The Lord used Argentina to really reveal Himself to me, and to truly prove that He is the light in darkness.
          The same revelation can be applied to many other tough circumstances in my life. And yet, here I am unhappy with certain events and impatient for them to be over. I need a holy perspective, I need that reminder of how the Lord has brought me through countless times in the past. He doesn't say it is easy, and He doesn't promise I will get exactly what I think I want, but He does promise to never leave me, and that He has my best interest at heart.

          I really want to accept my own powerless and weak self, and be thankful that I have a God who sympathizes and I have a God who allows everything for a reason. I can honestly say that I look forward to seeing how the Lord has used this time in my life to grow us closer and to strengthen me in my faith.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010


"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung, and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact  you must give it to no one...Lock [your heart] up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change...The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

I have been thinking about [all] relationships lately. And the bond and love between them. I have been very psychoanalytical about it. For example, take the idea of missing a person. Think about how much love and fondness you must have for them that you are actually melancholy when they are not around, or to desire their presence a large enough amount that it is actually hard when they are absent. Why are we like that? How crazy that we are created to love. It's basically unavoidable. And for most of us we yearn to love for people. We want to be able to give away that vulnerability. But man it's scary. Even just a new friendship is opening your heart more, putting yourself further out there.
Even now I am getting nervous. Loving someone is a risk. I think very rarely (if ever) is a person content with having a one-way street kind of love. It is meant to be a mutual connection. A back and forth of love and respect, giving and receiving.
Love is dangerous. And of course intimate, romantic love is the most dangerous of all. 
It just seems so funny that we are sinful, short-lived, innumerable human beings and yet we are capable of feeling something so huge, so powerful. And that fact that we are meant to live like that. JEEZE!
But in the beginning of our time God said "It is not good for man to be alone" (Gen 2:18). I guess I do not really have a concluding statement, or overall purpose of this post. Just some ramblings I decided to put down into organized sentences. I am deciding much of this as I go along. 
To love and be loved seems scary, but the Bible tells us "perfect love casts out all fear" and also that "God is love" (both in 1 John 4). It is God's love that need never strike fear in our hearts because it is unchanging, unfailing and always reliable. RADICAL.

Thursday, October 7, 2010


Psalm 147:10 & 11
"His pleasure in not in the strength of the horse, nor His delight in the legs of a man; 
the LORD delights in those who fear Him, who put their hope in His unfailing love."

I have been thinking about this passage lately. It incites joy and encouragement for me to imagine the Lord being delighted by me, His daughter, simply putting my hope in Him. To think that I can bring God joy? I am reminded of the verse in Zephaniah (v.17) that says "He will rejoice over you with singing". WHAT?! Over me? I am a people pleaser, so to be able to please God by trusting in His promises, to know that He delights in me...well that is the ultimate best. John Piper talks about that verse in Zephaniah and compares it to when Jesus says "There is more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance." (Luke 15:7) It also communicates just how much God cares for us. And not the kind of caring from far off, just sitting on His throne proud of what He has made. But caring about each individual child of His and desiring life and salvation for them. He loves us more than the most beautiful mountain He crafted, or a glorious sunset He paints, or the fiercest ocean He filled. 
One of my housemates and I were discussing how we were created to be satisfied by God. And isn't it wonderful that He know everything else can and will fail us, but thankfully HE is our sustenance and He offers Himself to us constantly.

What a wonderful God who takes pleasure in my love. It is astounding.

Monday, October 4, 2010


hoping wishing wanting needing coping dealing adjusting trying expecting guessing receiving giving crying laughing sobbing grasping accepting learning applying changing enduring growing rejoicing questioning praying begging loving seeking.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

basket case

I have had Sara Bareilles on repeat the past few weeks. I am dreading the day I realize I have grown sick of her new album through no one's fault but my own obsessional and constant listening. Let us pray this never happens. 
Anywho, she has a beautiful song called "basket case". The general gist of the song is:

Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore

I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

As I listened to Sara and her glorious vocal chords tugging at my heart (as per usual), I felt like I could easily call myself a basket case. But then I realized I wanted to know more about the general definition of 'basket case'. And ya know what? It is normally referring to a mentally-ill person or an infirm or failing thing/person. Something(one) disorganized, useless or crazy. 
Alright all jokes aside, I would not consider myself quite that far gone. BUT, in the light-hearted sense of the word I would not be offended as to label myself a basket case. Also, if we take a look at the ever-so-sweet lyrics of Green Day's oldie song "Basket Case":
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. 
It all keeps adding up 
I think I'm cracking up

^That could be me as well. Some days I do not know what I want. Some days I do not know how I live with myself. I look at so many people around me and am convinced that somewhere in my life I took a horrible wrong turn to end up with the habits and ways of thinking I have acquired. Plus, as stated in my previous post, when Life comes at me I tend to get a little nutso. I am a basket case because I cannot get my life in order. Or the things I can get in order are not what are supposed to be most important. I wish I worked harder in my tasks, in academics, in chores, etc. I also wish I did not hold on to certain things for so long. But then again, it might just be that exact vice of not letting things go that has given me a consistent faith, and also an intentional way of loving on people. I guess you could say I don't let people go. Which has served me well...but also poorly. 

Honestly, I usually give myself a break and just look up at the One who made me this way...I must be so amusing to Him.

All in all it is my emotional, over-analyzing, inability-to-sit-still and Life-wrestling-self that gives you the basket case who authors this blog.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

La Vida Loca

Sometimes Life and I have these wrestling matches and I feel like I am losing. I will be walking along, humming some tunes, doin' some homework, microwaving a corn dog...when all of the sudden BAM--> Life gets me in a choke hold and suddenly I am struggling to breathe or think straight!  "LLLIIIFFEEEE!" I shout. "Gimme a break for just one second! I thought I was strong and persevering- why you gotta come at me now?!" It is the worst when Life attacks you during a time you believe to be healthy or successful. Life makes you feel weak and pathetic for not overcoming things you know you need to. LIFE CAN BE A REAL JERK SOMETIMES. I tend to blame Life for my insecurities that sneak up on me, or for things that are completely out of my control. Situations that I did not choose, it's all Life's fault. Why should it be mine? I did not do anything wrong, I did not decide this outcome, I did not plan for this. 
But you know what, as angry as I get with LIFE sometimes, it is very cathartic to moan and groan about LIFE BEING SO DARN LIFELIKE. For me, it also makes light of my trials. In a good way. I can jest about Life dealing me a bad hand, rather than being legitimately angry or giving in to self-pity or blaming God. Those are not good places I wish to visit. 
Nope, I think I will stick to the wrestling matches with Life, I have a feeling I end the fight victorious.

(Disclaimer: 'Life' is in no way a metaphor for God or Jesus. Life is not always on my side, and the Lord is.)

Monday, September 13, 2010

crisp and new

I care too much what people think. It is a problem. This is a pretty honest place to begin my first real blog post, but what the heck. The reason I write about this is because as I am sitting in my room struggling to decide what to write about, I am frustrated with how much my decision is based on others perception of me. "I don't want people to think I am trying to sound holy by jumping right in with some Jesus talk" or "Should I write about how much I love the sunshine pouring through my window right now? Or is that too cliche?" or "Something simple would be far too frivolous to begin with but something deep is too pretentious". AAHHHHH. Right? 
All of these thoughts are based on how I believe others might react to my writings, and my fear of those reactions. And my desire to come off a certain way. (In actuality, how many people will end up reading this...2? 3?) Anyway, that led me to this leap into the world of honest rambling. No looking back I have already made up my mind that this is the post. So, even though I have all of these ideas running through my head about what you, Mr./Ms. Reader, may think of my vulnerability in admitting an embarrassing vice of mine I shall ignore them and press on! I will make this my fresh beginning of not writing for anyone other than myself. I will try not to concern myself with my public, but rather take those budding thoughts in my heart that must be dying to bloom since I am creating this garden to allow them to grow- and be seen. However, patience is essential since I am not as much a green thumb in writing as some of my friends and fellow bloggers who I have found to be secret, romantic scribes. But I musn't compare. Do you see how much I desire approval? It's disgusting.
Praise the Lord I am accepted as I am by He who matters most. (<-- there is my Jesus talk, I assure you it was sincere though!)

no turning back now,

e. e. cummings

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds