Wednesday, September 22, 2010

basket case

I have had Sara Bareilles on repeat the past few weeks. I am dreading the day I realize I have grown sick of her new album through no one's fault but my own obsessional and constant listening. Let us pray this never happens. 
Anywho, she has a beautiful song called "basket case". The general gist of the song is:

Oh, send your armies in of robbers and thieves
To steal the state I'm in I don't want it anymore

I've been saving your place
And what good does it do?
Now I'm just a basket case

As I listened to Sara and her glorious vocal chords tugging at my heart (as per usual), I felt like I could easily call myself a basket case. But then I realized I wanted to know more about the general definition of 'basket case'. And ya know what? It is normally referring to a mentally-ill person or an infirm or failing thing/person. Something(one) disorganized, useless or crazy. 
Alright all jokes aside, I would not consider myself quite that far gone. BUT, in the light-hearted sense of the word I would not be offended as to label myself a basket case. Also, if we take a look at the ever-so-sweet lyrics of Green Day's oldie song "Basket Case":
Sometimes I give myself the creeps
Sometimes my mind plays tricks on me. 
It all keeps adding up 
I think I'm cracking up

^That could be me as well. Some days I do not know what I want. Some days I do not know how I live with myself. I look at so many people around me and am convinced that somewhere in my life I took a horrible wrong turn to end up with the habits and ways of thinking I have acquired. Plus, as stated in my previous post, when Life comes at me I tend to get a little nutso. I am a basket case because I cannot get my life in order. Or the things I can get in order are not what are supposed to be most important. I wish I worked harder in my tasks, in academics, in chores, etc. I also wish I did not hold on to certain things for so long. But then again, it might just be that exact vice of not letting things go that has given me a consistent faith, and also an intentional way of loving on people. I guess you could say I don't let people go. Which has served me well...but also poorly. 

Honestly, I usually give myself a break and just look up at the One who made me this way...I must be so amusing to Him.

All in all it is my emotional, over-analyzing, inability-to-sit-still and Life-wrestling-self that gives you the basket case who authors this blog.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

La Vida Loca

Sometimes Life and I have these wrestling matches and I feel like I am losing. I will be walking along, humming some tunes, doin' some homework, microwaving a corn dog...when all of the sudden BAM--> Life gets me in a choke hold and suddenly I am struggling to breathe or think straight!  "LLLIIIFFEEEE!" I shout. "Gimme a break for just one second! I thought I was strong and persevering- why you gotta come at me now?!" It is the worst when Life attacks you during a time you believe to be healthy or successful. Life makes you feel weak and pathetic for not overcoming things you know you need to. LIFE CAN BE A REAL JERK SOMETIMES. I tend to blame Life for my insecurities that sneak up on me, or for things that are completely out of my control. Situations that I did not choose, it's all Life's fault. Why should it be mine? I did not do anything wrong, I did not decide this outcome, I did not plan for this. 
But you know what, as angry as I get with LIFE sometimes, it is very cathartic to moan and groan about LIFE BEING SO DARN LIFELIKE. For me, it also makes light of my trials. In a good way. I can jest about Life dealing me a bad hand, rather than being legitimately angry or giving in to self-pity or blaming God. Those are not good places I wish to visit. 
Nope, I think I will stick to the wrestling matches with Life, I have a feeling I end the fight victorious.

(Disclaimer: 'Life' is in no way a metaphor for God or Jesus. Life is not always on my side, and the Lord is.)

Monday, September 13, 2010

crisp and new

I care too much what people think. It is a problem. This is a pretty honest place to begin my first real blog post, but what the heck. The reason I write about this is because as I am sitting in my room struggling to decide what to write about, I am frustrated with how much my decision is based on others perception of me. "I don't want people to think I am trying to sound holy by jumping right in with some Jesus talk" or "Should I write about how much I love the sunshine pouring through my window right now? Or is that too cliche?" or "Something simple would be far too frivolous to begin with but something deep is too pretentious". AAHHHHH. Right? 
All of these thoughts are based on how I believe others might react to my writings, and my fear of those reactions. And my desire to come off a certain way. (In actuality, how many people will end up reading this...2? 3?) Anyway, that led me to this leap into the world of honest rambling. No looking back I have already made up my mind that this is the post. So, even though I have all of these ideas running through my head about what you, Mr./Ms. Reader, may think of my vulnerability in admitting an embarrassing vice of mine I shall ignore them and press on! I will make this my fresh beginning of not writing for anyone other than myself. I will try not to concern myself with my public, but rather take those budding thoughts in my heart that must be dying to bloom since I am creating this garden to allow them to grow- and be seen. However, patience is essential since I am not as much a green thumb in writing as some of my friends and fellow bloggers who I have found to be secret, romantic scribes. But I musn't compare. Do you see how much I desire approval? It's disgusting.
Praise the Lord I am accepted as I am by He who matters most. (<-- there is my Jesus talk, I assure you it was sincere though!)

no turning back now,

e. e. cummings

love is a place
& through this place of
love move
(with brightness of peace)
all places

yes is a world
& in this world of
yes live
(skilfully curled)
all worlds