Thursday, December 23, 2010

still hungry

I keep looking to other things to satisfy me. I am still holding out hope that this will finally give me that all-encompassing feeling of delight and fulfillment. Or this is what I have been missing and now I won't have those bad days or now with this I can be happy. Why is there still that slice of unbelief in my heart that the Lord isn't all I need? Maybe because people and circumstances have let me down I am still searching for that one environment, or that one person, or that one aspect of me that will finally work. I just haven't found it, I'm just not there yet, but once I am, once I find IT, then everything will be okay. 
Here is the thing, I know Jesus is everything, I have experienced firsthand that He is what satisfies. But, since life is still a struggle, since I still feel hurt and sorrow and disappointment, then I think I unconsciously convince myself that I need Jesus + something. I won't settle for just Jesus because He mustn't be the answer since life is still really hard. This might be a post of despair, but it's not meant to be. It's just me being raw about how I want the Lord to be my all but I still come to this place where He isn't, or where I don't believe He can sustain me. I still have this idea that the perfect family, or the best friends or a boyfriend/husband, or living in the perfect city that has a beach and mountains and river all 5 minutes away will be what makes me happy.
I've somehow persuaded myself that this life is all about me and satisfying me and my needs and desires. So when I am disappointed then I look to God and say "what the heck? Why do you want me to be unsatisfied? Why won't you just bless me?"
Don't get me wrong, this is not a regular occurrence of thought, and most of my days are spent wondering how I can please Him further, and how am I loving Christ and others in my life. I am thinking this way because I came home and found that I don't love being home. It hasn't been very long and I am already wanting to go back to school. Now that tells me 2 things: it tells me that San Diego is not where I am supposed to be. I love coming home, but spiritually, emotionally and mentally I am not here anymore. God has placed me somewhere else for a reason. It also tells me that I need to look to the Lord in these times, rather then wishing I was somewhere with friends and beautiful nature and my room that is so me (rather than the room at home that has been used for foreign exchange students so is coldly empty but yet still retains memories from high school I do not enjoy revisiting). Those aren't bad things, but I want to be satisfied with Jesus no matter where I am. Because, the truth is that a husband isn't going to give me a happily-ever-after and the ideal friendships don't exist and won't be what satisfies. Maybe it is about having that eternal perspective we sometimes talk about. Kind of accepting that this world is going to disappoint but it is not God that is letting us down, and there will come a time when nothing will let us down! Heaven is what I am searching for. And Christ is the closest thing on earth to heaven.

Sunday, December 12, 2010

musical interruption

I am taking a break halfway through the hermanos to tell all of you to STOP what you are doing and listen to this amazing husband and wife duo singing in their group, Tennis.

After sailing along the Eastern seaboard for 8 months, husband and wife, Patrick and Alaina, made a record. And I for one cannot get enough of it. 

for your listening pleasure...

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Trevor Dayton Bishop!
-->T-Bird, Trev.  (second oldest)
Oh Trevor, the life of the party. And I say that without an ounce of sarcasm. It is so comforting to have Trevor around because he is the least awkward person I know. He is very personable. It helps that the amount of humor in just his big toe far outstretches the level of hilarity any average person attains in their entire lifetime. Too much? Well it's my blog so I'm allowing a bit of hyperbole.

But honestly, Trevor is probably the funniest person I know. I love how he has such a stunning gift to see something comical in any situation. I enjoy taking life a little less seriously and with Trevor I can do just that. I feel free to make light of things around him and it's nice that he and I have reached a point in our relationship where we both make each other laugh. Cuz I gotta tell ya, much of my life ambition is to gain the approval of my brothers and that definitely included having Trevor think I am funny. 
And if Trevor told me I was funny, I would believe him because he rarely (if ever) says something he does not mean. He will very genuinely pay you a compliment or encourage you in some area. He loves to love people, to bring people together, to make new friends (sound familiar--> kinda like yours truly:)

T-Bird is so bright. There are so many things he is good at and can excel in. He knows SO MUCH about sports, he is a fantastically witty and talented writer, creative as all get out, impressively analytical, and has got a nice set of singing pipes as well.

He loves the Lord and he loves to love the Lord. He isn't afraid to worship his heart out to God, he won't shy away from praying or telling the Lord what is on his mind. He has never abandoned his faith. He may get frustrated or confused but he'll keep pressing on.
I like that Trevor is a funny guy but can be real and enjoys the regular deep conversation. He'll share such wisdom about God's character and love with you, and put it in a very new way but still full of truth. I like that he comes to ask me about girls, or see if his outfit is classy or whimsical (whatever look he is going for that night).

T-bird loves the Chronicles of Narnia, he loves the Chargers, the Padres and the SDSU Aztecs. T-Bird will make brownies or cookies at 12am for no reason and be happy to share them. He can quote a thousand lines from Braveheart, the Simpsons, and Wedding Crashers. He'll give you a run for your money in basketball, Frisbee or football. (But challenge him to something in the pool and he will humbly tell you his little sister can tread water/swim circles around his cramped-up body hahah)