Thursday, December 23, 2010

still hungry

I keep looking to other things to satisfy me. I am still holding out hope that this will finally give me that all-encompassing feeling of delight and fulfillment. Or this is what I have been missing and now I won't have those bad days or now with this I can be happy. Why is there still that slice of unbelief in my heart that the Lord isn't all I need? Maybe because people and circumstances have let me down I am still searching for that one environment, or that one person, or that one aspect of me that will finally work. I just haven't found it, I'm just not there yet, but once I am, once I find IT, then everything will be okay. 
Here is the thing, I know Jesus is everything, I have experienced firsthand that He is what satisfies. But, since life is still a struggle, since I still feel hurt and sorrow and disappointment, then I think I unconsciously convince myself that I need Jesus + something. I won't settle for just Jesus because He mustn't be the answer since life is still really hard. This might be a post of despair, but it's not meant to be. It's just me being raw about how I want the Lord to be my all but I still come to this place where He isn't, or where I don't believe He can sustain me. I still have this idea that the perfect family, or the best friends or a boyfriend/husband, or living in the perfect city that has a beach and mountains and river all 5 minutes away will be what makes me happy.
I've somehow persuaded myself that this life is all about me and satisfying me and my needs and desires. So when I am disappointed then I look to God and say "what the heck? Why do you want me to be unsatisfied? Why won't you just bless me?"
Don't get me wrong, this is not a regular occurrence of thought, and most of my days are spent wondering how I can please Him further, and how am I loving Christ and others in my life. I am thinking this way because I came home and found that I don't love being home. It hasn't been very long and I am already wanting to go back to school. Now that tells me 2 things: it tells me that San Diego is not where I am supposed to be. I love coming home, but spiritually, emotionally and mentally I am not here anymore. God has placed me somewhere else for a reason. It also tells me that I need to look to the Lord in these times, rather then wishing I was somewhere with friends and beautiful nature and my room that is so me (rather than the room at home that has been used for foreign exchange students so is coldly empty but yet still retains memories from high school I do not enjoy revisiting). Those aren't bad things, but I want to be satisfied with Jesus no matter where I am. Because, the truth is that a husband isn't going to give me a happily-ever-after and the ideal friendships don't exist and won't be what satisfies. Maybe it is about having that eternal perspective we sometimes talk about. Kind of accepting that this world is going to disappoint but it is not God that is letting us down, and there will come a time when nothing will let us down! Heaven is what I am searching for. And Christ is the closest thing on earth to heaven.

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