still hungry

I keep looking to other things to satisfy me. I am still holding out hope that this will finally give me that all-encompassing feeling of delight and fulfillment. Or this is what I have been missing and now I won't have those bad days or now with this I can be happy. Why is there still that slice of unbelief in my heart that the Lord isn't all I need? Maybe because people and circumstances have let me down I am still searching for that one environment, or that one person, or that one aspect of me that will finally work. I just haven't found it, I'm just not there yet, but once I am, once I find IT, then everything will be okay. 

Here is the thing, I know Jesus is everything, I have experienced firsthand that He is what satisfies. But, since life is still a struggle, since I still feel hurt and sorrow and disappointment, then I think I unconsciously convince myself that I need Jesus + something. I won't settle for just Jesus because He mustn't be the answer since life is still really hard. This might be a post of despair, but it's not meant to be. It's just me being raw about how I want the Lord to be my all but I still come to this place where He isn't, or where I don't believe He can sustain me. I still have this idea that the perfect family, or the best friends or a boyfriend/husband, or living in the perfect city that has a beach and mountains and river all 5 minutes away will be what makes me happy.

I've somehow persuaded myself that this life is all about me and satisfying me and my needs and desires. So when I am disappointed then I look to God and say "what the heck? Why do you want me to be unsatisfied? Why won't you just bless me?"

Don't get me wrong, this is not a regular occurrence of thought, and most of my days are spent wondering how I can please Him further, and how am I loving Christ and others in my life. I am thinking this way because I came home and found that I don't love being home. It hasn't been very long and I am already wanting to go back to school. Now that tells me 2 things: it tells me that San Diego is not where I am supposed to be. I love coming home, but spiritually, emotionally and mentally I am not here anymore. God has placed me somewhere else for a reason. It also tells me that I need to look to the Lord in these times, rather then wishing I was somewhere with friends and beautiful nature and my room that is so me (rather than the room at home that has been used for foreign exchange students so is coldly empty but yet still retains memories from high school I do not enjoy revisiting). Those aren't bad things, but I want to be satisfied with Jesus no matter where I am. Because, the truth is that a husband isn't going to give me a happily-ever-after and the ideal friendships don't exist and won't be what satisfies. Maybe it is about having that eternal perspective we sometimes talk about. Kind of accepting that this world is going to disappoint but it is not God that is letting us down, and there will come a time when nothing will let us down! Heaven is what I am searching for. And Christ is the closest thing on earth to heaven.

musical interruption

I am taking a break halfway through the hermanos to tell all of you to STOP what you are doing and listen to this amazing husband and wife duo singing in their group, Tennis.

After sailing along the Eastern seaboard for 8 months, husband and wife, Patrick and Alaina, made a record. And I for one cannot get enough of it. 

for your listening pleasure... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_TTitaCGMk

Trevlove

Trevor Dayton Bishop!

-->T-Bird, Trev.  (second oldest)

Oh Trevor, the life of the party. And I say that without an ounce of sarcasm. It is so comforting to have Trevor around because he is the least awkward person I know. He is very personable. It helps that the amount of humor in just his big toe far outstretches the level of hilarity any average person attains in their entire lifetime. Too much? Well it's my blog so I'm allowing a bit of hyperbole.

But honestly, Trevor is probably the funniest person I know. I love how he has such a stunning gift to see something comical in any situation. I enjoy taking life a little less seriously and with Trevor I can do just that. I feel free to make light of things around him and it's nice that he and I have reached a point in our relationship where we both make each other laugh. Cuz I gotta tell ya, much of my life ambition is to gain the approval of my brothers and that definitely included having Trevor think I am funny. 

And if Trevor told me I was funny, I would believe him because he rarely (if ever) says something he does not mean. He will very genuinely pay you a compliment or encourage you in some area. He loves to love people, to bring people together, to make new friends (sound familiar--> kinda like yours truly:)

T-Bird is so bright. There are so many things he is good at and can excel in. He knows SO MUCH about sports, he is a fantastically witty and talented writer, creative as all get out, impressively analytical, and has got a nice set of singing pipes as well.

He loves the Lord and he loves to love the Lord. He isn't afraid to worship his heart out to God, he won't shy away from praying or telling the Lord what is on his mind. He has never abandoned his faith. He may get frustrated or confused but he'll keep pressing on.

I like that Trevor is a funny guy but can be real and enjoys the regular deep conversation. He'll share such wisdom about God's character and love with you, and put it in a very new way but still full of truth. I like that he comes to ask me about girls, or see if his outfit is classy or whimsical (whatever look he is going for that night).

T-bird loves the Chronicles of Narnia, he loves the Chargers, the Padres and the SDSU Aztecs. T-Bird will make brownies or cookies at 12am for no reason and be happy to share them. He can quote a thousand lines from Braveheart, the Simpsons, and Wedding Crashers. He'll give you a run for your money in basketball, Frisbee or football. (But challenge him to something in the pool and he will humbly tell you his little sister can tread water/swim circles around his cramped-up body hahah)

Bear

Jeffrey Phillip Bishop

--> Jeffreybear, Mr. Bear, Bear: that is the progressive evolution of Jeff's nicknames. Each one of them is still currently used in some fashion by someone in his life. I hop around but generally like to stick with the throwback and original, Jeffreybear. Also not included is what my mom calls him- "feffernooten"...nobody knows.

Moving on, Jeff is SO weird. Seriously. But mostly it is endearing. Jeff is the least like the rest of us Bishop kids. But that is probably a good thing. It just means his humor is nicer and he isn't as loud.

Mr. Bear is such a sweet heart. When I think about him I think of him as my protector and a good listener. Growing up, if my parents were fighting or if I was really upset about family stuff, Jeff was always the one to come to my room and sit with me or see if I was alright. 

He never makes me feel stupid or talks down to me, ever. It is so easy to talk to him about my life or the Lord. I guess I would put it as this: he really shows me that he is so happy to have a sister. I feel loved. 

Bear loves movies, he loves books, and he loves music. He knows so much about actors, directors and just film in general. I always go to him when I want to know if a movie is any good. And talk about a book worm! He will challenge himself in what he reads, and that might mean he reads Don Quixote or it might mean he reads Twilight. If something has received fame or accreditation then Jeffreybear is interested in finding out why. His music taste is bizarre and eclectic. Most of my family do not like (some might even say hates) what he listens to. I probably have the most overlap with him as far as music taste goes (and I still can't stand much of his stuff).

Jeff loves the Lord so much. He can be more of a timid guy, but when I see him most out going is when he is loving the Lord, praying, or talking about what he has received from Christ. I am so confident in his steadfastness with Jesus. The Lord has his heart and I am confident will always hold his heart, because that is how Jeff wants it.

Bear likes dragons. Bear likes Harry Potter, and Lord of the Rings. Bear loves manly movies with war and violence and action sequences but he has been known to watch Gilmore Girls and a Freddie Prince Jr. movie with me (Boys and Girls). Bear likes to play Frisbee and basketball. And something many people don't know something about Jeffrey Phillip Bishop...he likes to dance. Especially with ME.

ready, set, BRO

This time at home has been good so far. If you know me then you know how much I enjoy my family. My family consists of 4 brothers. I have decided to make 4 separate posts each describing one of my brudders and their wonderful traits and qualities. Get excited, they are pretty fascinating young men.

what a day

Balance. I think today was a balanced day. 

I wake up early to go to the school and it's raining. I am not particularly fond of rain but whatever because it means I get to wear my favorite shoes- my pink rain boots! Silver lining. 

I go to class and watch a depressing movie. Literally...it was about a quadriplegic of 20 years who wanted Euthanasia legalized for himself. 

It's okay because in that same class I find out I really only have 2 more classes I have to attend for the rest of the semester!! BOO YAH. 

Spent some wonderful time in prayer and praising the Lord. He showed me a lot of hard stuff but you know I'm just thankful I serve such a real, loving and teaching God. Good stuff.

I had a tough conversation with someone but it needed to be had. 

Then I go to pick up one of my wyldlife girls for dinner and my car ONCE AGAIN has the check engine light on and begins bouncing every time I try to accelerate too much. I'm worried Martha is dying. I'm not a very good owner :/

(a nice young man with a very thick country accent did stop & really wanted to be sure we were alright and didn't need help...my 8th grade friend then proceeded to call him my boyfriend the next 10 minutes haha)

As much as that sucks it's okay because I am headed to celebrate the wonderful engagement of a friend who I am so happy for :)

....then I have to study for a test tomorrow.

ohhhhhhh life.

watch this

http://vimeo.com/16663435

My brother showed me this link and told me about this band some time ago. They are great. 

The song is truly my desire and my plea.