Sobre una bendición

It is possible that I am about to make someone feel awkward. 

And that somebody...is Claudette Monroy. Mi mexicanita. 

Claudette is a huge blessing in my life. You know how we use that phrase "people who point us to Christ"? Well, Claudette has a way of being a big green exit sign, and the upcoming ramp- leads to Truth. She is a small package filled with wisdom! ;)

I feel so privileged to be someone Claudette wants to spend time with, and not just to have fun, but to really talk and share. I never feel judged with Claud. She is so comfortable. And she will share her brokenness with me, and also listen to my own shtuff and yet still see the best in me. What a gift. 

It doesn't hurt that she is way funnier than she probably realizes. 

Before she goes off to be a scholar in a foreign country I hope we can continue going strong with our friendship- all facets of it. 

Te quiero mamacita. 

p.s.- voy a seguir orando que me acompañes en Mascota, Mexico en Mayo!!

On answers

I don't have any. 

When I get together with girls in my small group (or anybody, really) and hear about hardships, or questions or worries, I find that lately I have no real insight or answers to offer. This is a different stage in my faith. It is not bad, necessarily, but as I said it leaves me a bit blank. My curse of needing to be "authentic" and "not fake" means I cannot give an uplifting anecdote or an encouragement that everything will work out, because currently, I am not there. I won't say it if I don't believe it. Or lately I have found myself telling someone something and immediately after I say it I think to myself "wait, do I even believe that? Is that just what I have always been told, or what I feel conditioned to say?". Honestly, it has been a...I am not sure struggle is the right word, just confusing. This is a full year. Full of changes, full of decisions, full of endings, full of tragedy (more in the lives of others around me, a lot of sickness, death and heartache in the lives of loved ones).

So, I am listening a lot. I always listen, but usually my listening can be followed by a spiritual notion or advice. And as a leader or friend the counterpart in the conversation might expect that, but I do not know if I should share my views right now, cuz I am still mulling things over. Still wrestling it out with God. Still discovering what my personal relationship with the Lord looks like. Not the relationship everyone in my home church has, not the relationship a young life leader has, not the relationship my friends have, and not even the relationship of a 22-year-old American female. MY personal relationship.

I just do not have answers. It is only frustrating because I do not want to be blank with my girls. It has nothing to do with needing to be wise or appear holy or some hogwash. I also just want to hear from the Lord. I'm looking for something concrete. Something tested by the fire to be true.

On miscellaneous letters

      Dear palate, this weekend you had a test run with my experiments with couscous. You enjoyed the sun dried tomatoes (I bought ages ago and only used twice) and were proud of my culinary whims! Dear chickfila, you are delicious. And you give me the gnarliest heartburn I have ever had so our relationship is currently purely professional. Here's praying I can eat you again without my throat feeling as if I swallowed acid. Dear Harry (Connick Jr.), Frank (Sinatra) and Michael (Buble), yalls voices are Christmas inspirations. Thank you gentlemen! Dear Spanish 455 paper, you are still but a swirl of ideas in my brain, but you will get done and be full of intelligent musings on Hispanic female authors and their contrasting themes in poems and short stories. I sound smart already! Dear Jesus, I am ever growing, ever learning, and ever needing to press into You. Keep teaching me about faith over feelings. Love ya.

p.s. did you believe in Santa Clause when you were little? This has been quite the heated topic in The Shire (my apartment).

On Kanye's third album

Dear Lifeski, 

I'm GRADUATING. BOOM SHAKA LAKA. 

                     or     Estoy matriculándome! 

Crazy time. This was a BIG bright spot amidst my hectic work mess...but now I have entered procrastination station. Which is no bueno. I contemplated a Bodo's run tomorrow, but decided against it. Who knows, could still spontaneously fast-and-furious it to Cville!

      I have really gotten into the Christmas spirit this year!! It's wonderful! 

Ya'll...my new favorite store...DOLLAR TREE. More like HOLLER tree. Lemme get dat. 

Recently made purchases there: toothpaste, christmas decos (short for decorations, yo), chapstick, nail files, wrapping paper, pens, spatula...each for a BUCK. 

      Also, still high on my Amazon addiction of course--> I ordered this wonderful Christmas movie. Cannot wait for it to arrive and let the Shire see why I love it!!

repeat the sounding joy, 

Kelly 

p.s.- I'm going to miss college. And I mean the taking classes part. I have loved my Spanish courses this semester. dangit.

On choosing

Hey, listen to this song as you read my post. Then listen to it on your own. Please :)

      Tonight I feel like choosing to believe the Lord is good and faithful even when situations around us provoke me to think otherwise. I choose not to let my lack of understanding cause me to doubt. I love hearing the stories of others who have gone through dark valleys and have not only come out of them still trusting God, but in the midst they were leaning on Him and believing His goodness. (I think of Libby Ryder who went through cancer & was healed)

     I am continually reminded lately to gain a deeper understanding of Christ's great love for me. It seems unfathomable, it's too easy. That is why so many don't buy it. His grace for me is almost confusing. My brother spoke to me telling me to quit believing that God is so impatient with me, that my sins aren't being counted. Thanks Joel. 

Read this... 

"As we get into the enjoyment of Thy love may we find that we need scarcely any other heaven, either here or hereafter, only more of this love and the continuance of it."

That's Andrew Bonar from my favorite devotional. 

I think that's all for tonight. 

Lighter notes...today I got crafty whilest listening to a Christmas playlist with alternating songs by Michael Buble and Sufjan. It was PERFECTION. I remember reflecting on how cathartic it was and how glad I was to have that alone time. Sometimes I surprise myself with my introvert tendencies.

K BYE

On...change? my life? decisions?

Dear Lifesies, 

      Being home was good. It was hard in some ways because my "home" is no longer 858 Van Nuys street. My home is San Diego and all the people it contains and all the memories it holds. I love the Reinkes (my cousins) and I am VERY thankful for their openness in graciously letting my marmee stay with them and then letting Joel and I crash there when we are home, but it is still not the same. It is still not my house with my immediate family. My Auntie Robin and my mom were talking about how a bunch of the cousins are going to spend the night there on Christmas Eve. I thought it sounded fun but odd...it was not until later that I realized of course we should all spend the night because we need to wake up on Christmas day together. That is when it hit me. I could have cried...the idea of not having Christmas at our old house, not waking up to Bishop traditions just hurts. But this is a season of change, and I have been surprisingly okay with all the change. It makes me glad how well I have dealt with it, I think the Lord is really helping me. And, it helps that I love where I am in Harrisonburg. OH LIFE I am so torn between two sides of the country!!
      Anyway, only today. Only promised today. When the time comes decisions will be made. But for right now I am in Harrisonburg and I am leading a small group and I am (hopefully) graduating in December and I am praying to the Lord about the future but meanwhile trying not to fret too much. 

      One thing I know for sure- I worked at Forest Home over T-gives break and it was WONDERFUL. Just like usual. So lovely to be back with my beloved staff and my wild and adoring CCAs :) We sipped coffee in Chipmunk Corner as we played bananagrams and talked about our current stations in life. We sang songs with Music Papa again, we laughed about old jokes from the summer, we talked about Lauren's big butt, Alex Rae's artsy and free spirit, and of course...that Kelly needs to move back to California...yeah well join the club of people playing tug-o-war about where I should end up haha. But, it doesn't bother me. I feel loved. 

      Anyway Life, the Lord is teaching me a lot and showing me a lot of hard stuff...especially about myself. I just hope it sticks. I do not want my sin to define me. 

Well, better finish(start) a Spanish project and then hit the sack. 

indecisively yours, 

Kelly

p.s.- HOLLER for Christmas season, gonna deck the halls at The Shire and play Christmas music all the timeeeee!! :)

On true life

True Life...I have addictions to the following things:

• Purchasing earrings...studs, dangles, hoops, floral, bronze, buttons, etc etc       I WANT THEM.

• Bodos bagels. DUH.

• Chick fil a. I mean shoot, I work there dude. 

• Talking to my mama on ze telephone. Sorry for loving my mom a ton...JEEZE. 

• Putting "-zone" after words. But come on, it's coolzone. 

• On a more pathetic level...probably facebook. Damnit.

• And my roommate Nichole. Purely platonic and I still maintain it's good for my health. Back off bro you don't know me!!!

Now go listen to Simple Plan's whiny voice in their song Addicted. And if you're Sarah Wilson you probably loved this song in 8th grade.

 [This was in no way intended to make light of addictions. oh wait...I guess that is entirely what this was. shoot.]