Compartmentalization

I have been compartmentalizing the Lord's undertakings in my life. It's actually a little silly, like, comical.

In the morning I am angry with him for not doing anything about my struggle with insecurity. Now, I'm not gonna pretend like I don't still feel that way. Because I am still confused about where the Lord is in some dark places I often go to. (This isn't the comical part) 

Then, in the afternoon I find out all these wonderful folks in my life have donated to my trip to Spain without me knowing. And a lot of them were generous in their givings. The Lord has completely provided (via friends & family) for my trip to Spain this summer!! And I thought, 'wow another beautiful confirmation that He is sending me to Spain'. He has plans for me- no- for His Kingdom, even better. 

Wait...how can God be moving so clearly in parts of my life but then be doing nothing in others? I guess I need to trust that the same Father who is sending me off on this great opportunity, the same Father who has placed wonderful people in my life, the same Father who has put me at a job I love and placed a group of girls in front of me to pour into...this same Father is not ignoring other areas of my life. He is not unaware or unconcerned with my struggles. This 'revelation' or whatever you want to call it, has not fully sunk in yet. It's a pretty concept, and certainly encouraging, but my battle still exists. And most days I feel like I am fighting it all on my own. 
BUT, I am not alone. God is so faithful to his followers. Faithful. Yeah, that is the word. He is stubbornly determined against darkness and the devil. I gotta remember that. 

more loved than I ever dared to hope

Lately I have been chewing on so many big ideas and lessons from the Lord. 

If only I just had days to sit and think and pray and walk with God; days to listen. 

I have been listening to a couple Tim Keller sermons. I like that guy. 

One of the ideas I have been chewing on is serving Jesus and truly living for him without making it about works and needing to earn approval or salvation. BUT, also not thinking 'oh grace grace grace I'll just live my normal life'. 

Tim Keller says being in the presence of God, surrounded by his Holiness, means coming to the realization that "I am more wicked than I ever imagined and more loved than I ever dared to hope". 

He talks about living out of this place of humility, being aware that I am deserving of nothing. But, also walking in boldness because I have been given everything through Christ. 

Keller says, often Christians look at the acts of people in the Bible and think "that's terrible what a horrible example of someone following God". And yet, the whole purpose of the Gospel is to point at the saving grace of Jesus and not to point at the failures of humanity. It's not "how can David be a man of God?" but rather "thanks to the mercy of God David can be a man of God". 

I hope I can find the balance to do all I can for Jesus out of a humble love and desire, rather than desperation for approval or fear that I am not doing enough. 

an ode to sun dried tomatoes

It makes sense

that something perfected 

by the glorious sun 

would be glorious

in itself.

The tomato,

though excellent on it's own, 

when dried 

reaches the utmost state 

of appetizing.

A sweet and savory 

choice befitting any 

salad,

pasta 

and sandwich. 

Oh, sun dried tomato!

How I love to dote on thee.

see also : an ode to gorgonzola 

tangents

Hey, why do cleaning supplies always say "kills 99.9% of germs"? If it only killed 89.9% do you think they would put that? Probably not, because people would freak out about those 10.1%. 
But like, 99.9% sure seems like a fake statistic to me. I guess you can't guarantee the removal of all germs.

I had no intention of making this spiritual when I began this post, I just wanted to be silly. But, praise Him for being present and real and good 100% of the time. I gotta believe that. Not even just 99.9%, but the whole enchilada. 

Speaking of whole enchiladas, we have a lot of idioms in America. I need to learn more Spanish idioms. 

Speaking of Spanish, I am going back to Spain this summer, provided I raise the required amount. If you're reading this you will probably get my support letter. I hope you want to support me (financially I mean). I am really looking forward to returning to Altea. 

Saturday

Yesterday was an excellent day. 

It began with a house breakfast. We got a new roommate, his name is Tony, and so we had a welcome breakfast all together. He is uber nice. We have a great time carrying on jokes together. 

For example: 

Roommate Charlie (whilest making breakfast): Is anyone opposed to walnuts?

Me: I am very morally opposed. 

Roommate Tony: Yeah I am extremely against walnuts. 

Me: Walnuts killed my grandfather Charlie, how could you. He died choking on one. 

Roommate Tony: That's right, he died because a walnut was choking him. 

Anyway, it was funny and I appreciate someone who will join me in my sarcasm. The breakfast was deeeeelish. One of my favorite things about it were the beverages. Excellent coffee was made and by my second cup Roommate Jessica had added Bailey's- supreme idea. In addition to excellent coffee were mimosas, to which we added...get this...fresh watermelon! We just pureed it and poured it in. Wowza! 

It was such a group effort putting all the food together. 

Then I went shopping with a dear friend, Diane. She was a very helpful shopping mate. I really love a good shopping partner. I put a bunch of stuff on hold because I couldn't afford all of it and needed time to think about which items I should purchase. In the meantime we went to see the Lego movie with Steve Bishop. And, of course, in the theater just one row ahead of us were 3 of my kindergartners. Three of my favorite kindergartners. Taylor says "Señorita Bishop what are you doing here?!" And I said, "What do you mean, I'm seeing the Lego movie just like you". 

After the movie, dad insisted  on buying all my clothes that I had put on hold. Honestly, I turned him down several times saying I didn't need a relationship based on money, that seeing the movie with him was enough. I  did however tell him he was welcome to just come with me and help me pick out which to get. But, he said he wouldn't come unless I let him buy them. I figured that was a good deal, haha. Things have been pretty decent between Steve Bishop Attorney at Law and myself. It is tough to navigate the waters of our confusing relationship because he kind of lives a double life. But, at least now we don't have financial strings attached and I have gotten better at communicating with him when he hurts me. And he has learned to listen and even sometimes...apologize!! Crazy. I am finding it easier to pray for him. I used to find it hopeless that he would ever change. God is the God of the impossible, the God of miracles. 

And last night Roommate Charlie had her birthday party. It was a Mexican fiesta. It was fun and her sister made the most delicious food. I made mom's guacamole and it got rave reviews. Naturally. We played fish bowl and one of Charlie's friends learned I went to JMU and so he put James Madison on a slip of paper and like no one knew that much about him so it made it hard to act him out. It was so funny to me. And of course, someone put in constipation. It was like Graffiti fish bowl all over again. 

I'm not sure why I just wrote a diary entry of my day. And it all started because before I wrote this post I was thinking about how much my roommates and I will always make a pot of coffee big enough to share. And how I love that about our house. I think it was also because I don't often write about the goings-on in my life. So I thought I would give a snapshot of my silly life. 

      I am not sure if this happens a lot to others, but sometimes I get shown an attribute of God and I am so into this certain characteristic that I become a bit hung up on it. 

For instance:

God you are so loving, you are a meek lamb whose affections never end. Soon, an imbalance occurs. God is also the God of justice and righteousness. He abhors wicked deeds. We must know this loving God and also fear Him. 

This can lead to...God, you are just. You are strong and powerful. You are worthy of highest praises. I am a speck in your presence. Those might be true but God also desires for us to draw near to Him. He has made us worthy through His Son's sacrifice. He is our Father. Another imbalance occurred. 

      Today, I was asking the Lord for more compassion. It's amazing the things I can do through Christ. I can love people who piss me off or don't deserve it- all because of the love and mercy freely given me. 

      When we see even an ounce of good character in someone this should encourage us all the more that the Creator of the universe embodies that beautiful attribute a hundredfold. Does that make sense? 

The God of Mother Teresa is even more giving, sacrificial, and merciful. 

The God of the apostle Paul cares even more about people, and is even more wise and persistent. 

The God of my own mom is even more gracious, and sees the best in me even more than she does. 

      I hope I can quit putting God into a box, or quit forgetting that He doesn't just have the characteristic of goodness or grace or righteousness- He IS all those things. 

today's letters

Dear 6:15am, we met again this morning and it wasn't awful. However, the subbing job I woke up early to do is another story... Dear mouthwash and flossing, you make me feel like a grown up. You just make me more responsible- taking care of my gums and all. Dear lipstick, today let's see how many kindergartners comment on you and make me self-conscious #"SenoritaBishopWhat'sOnYourMouth?" Dear Downton Abbey, you continue to break my heart and yet I keep going back to you. Just please please please don't do anything to Mrs. Hughes. PLEASE! Dear Jesus, I am so stoked to worship you tonight with a body of believers for whom I am so thankful. I hope I learn to trust you more & have faith in your complete goodness. 

p.s. click on that DA link to get a huge surprise! 

true hope

Romans 5
1 Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2 through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And let us rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.
5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

The Holy Spirit has poured out God's love into our hearts--> this brings hope! First, let me say: what hope is there apart from Christ? I haven't found much. I want the Holy Spirit to be strong inside of me. So that the love of God may be what runs in my very veins, what pumps my heart. 
Thank you for that hope, God. Thank you for the utmost sacrificial love you offer. 
I have learned you should not give your whole self to anything but God. It is dangerous & unhealthy to set all of your hopes and confidence in the love of/from ___________ (your spouse, your family, your career, your country, etc). It is so safe to go all in for Jesus. His love is enough to carry you, to sustain you. 
Oh that this would be engraved on my heart I would never forget or doubt! 
Holy Spirit make it so.

today: gratitude

Lately when I am asked "how are you doing?" I never quite know how to respond. From the outside I lead a blessed life (truth), but inside I'm like a dryer: tossing around my emotions, struggles, and victories. And sometimes those thing are banging on the door of my chest.

TODAY, however, on the last day of school before Christmas break (YEE HAW), I feel much gratitude toward Life, and the Creator of said Life. 

I am thankful for students who give me jars of m&m's and fuzzy socks as christmas presents. 

I am thankful for [free] chocolate croissants that are warmed up until the chocolate oozes out. 

I am thankful for women on my faculty who are kind and make me laugh. 

I am thankful for friends who walk through the *figurative* dirt of life with me. 

I am thankful that Target had The Family Stone (a fav movie of mine) in the $5 section!!!

And lastly, I am thankful for texts from friends (Fawell) that remind me to meditate on the hope I have through Jesus Christ. 

As one of my favorite blogs says: 
            Here's to gratitude and how it turns everything into enough!

This music makes me want to take a moonlit stroll in the snow, down Mason street, with the lamp poles casting an orange-yellow glow on the street, and look at the Christmas lights on the houses.

It makes me want to curl up in a warm blanket with a good book that gives me a good cry. The kind of cry that is cathartic and makes you feel sad and relieved at the same time.

It makes me want to sit in a favorite coffee shop while it's raining outside and I'm having good conversation with a good friend, clutching our warm cups of something delicious.

It makes me want to take a drive through the winding roads of the Blue Ridge mountains on route 33, and stare in awe at the thick forest, and not worry about what needs to get done.

Can you guess I'm missing Virginia?

moving out, moving in

My new housemates...

own a Bob Dylan album on vinyl. I mean, come on.
sit around in the living room doing various things, in a quiet that is not uncomfortable.
make up funny names for the cat. Names that sound like a mobster or dictator.
let me pick a ribbon out of her ribbon box.
play piano really well and it makes me all peaceful when he practices.
offer friendly conversation when they come home.
made a chore chart (not so stoked on that).

My new roommate, Lemon...

laughs at my jokes.
will let me play whatever music I choose while we do work.
offers me tea when she makes some.
has great conversations with me about what the Lord is doing in our lives.
will go out with me for margaritas at Miguel's right down the street.
doesn't care when I fart. She farts, too. Go figure.
shares her stuff.
is one of my best friends.
                                                           

an ode to gorgonzola

Gorgonzola,
You are so crumbly.
You are my crumbly delight.

I eat you in my salad.
I eat you on my sandwich.
I even put you atop a rice cake.

Others may deem our love
Strange or over the top.
But we know the truth.

In a world of many cheeses,
Cheeses I adore,
You are among the most desirable.

a note on my bro

      I don't know what I would do without my brother, Matt. He truly is a friend. One of the best I have. There are so many thoughts and emotions I have that I am too embarrassed to share with anyone else, but with Matty I can always open up even if it's just the surface of things. Often his desire to see people grow and heal replaces the human tendency to judge or critique. It helps that we have the same gene pool and grew up with overlapping experiences, so I know he handles a lot of things similarly or knows where I am coming from. I am so grateful to him and I am sad for those who don't have a sibling they can confide in, grieve with, and receive counsel from. 
                                                       I'm blessed, it's cool. 

Here is a quote from Donald Miller, referencing Brennan Manning and his wrestles with Jesus. I completely identify with Manning here:

"  Manning wrestled with God as much as he walked with Him. He seemed like the kind of man who would constantly tug at God’s shirt tails and ask, for the thousandth time, is it true? only to run into the village and explain to the rest of us that it was. Then to return, tug on God’s shirt tail and ask again, is it true?   "

May I arrive to the heavens and discover that the glory of God is more real and beautiful and true and good than I ever imagined. 

Here's the thing...

      ...I am so not a feminist, but it really irks me when guys complain about seeing a tampon in our purse/bathroom/trash. Or, when we bring up the mysterious and nasty period topic they just can't take it.
"Oh, I'M SORRY that you had to see the thing I have to shove inside of myself to keep me from perpetually bleeding for 5 days whilst simultaneously suffering from a whole host of other side effects (cramps, back pain, bloating, etc). Next time I'll be more sensitive so YOU, sir, don't have to deal with hearing about this issue that plagues me every damn month." 

Alright. Rant over. I will go back to being ashamed of this biological syndrome, meanwhile if you are a guy you will probably ignorantly attribute this to "pms-ing". Kelly, out. 

long time no see

      Lately I have been thinking a lot about you, Blog. I have had at least 4 streams of thoughts that gave me the idea, "I should write about that on my blog". But I didn't. Because when I actually do have time to write I just don't feel like it. Or I forget the great revelation/insight/funny anecdote in it's entirety. 

Anyway, maybe this is the beginning of more posting. The re-beginning. Picking up where I left off. 

      All I have to say is this: How can the one thing that brings me so much joy, fulfillment, and wisdom be the same thing that causes me so much frustration and confusion?

      I am referring to God. My faith. Oh the ups and the downs. I've been following Jesus for 15ish years now and sometimes I feel as if I still don't know nothin'. #beingreal

Dos dias

Two days. 

Two days before I embark upon this month-long trip to a foreign country. It won't really hit me until I step off of that plane onto Spanish ground. I'll be honest, I get scared thinking about it. I am not sure what I am scared of exactly. Actually, that's not true. In this moment I am only scared of getting from the Alicante airport to the small town of Altea all on my own. Figuring out the bus system, the currency, etc. I keep reminding myself that I am an adult. Basically. ish. 

You know what, though? I am ready for this. (ready-ish) I just want to get there and start serving the Lord. But I also want to get there and not be all about "doing". Lord, teach me the balance of just "being" and also "doing" your work. Break the unhealthy patterns I have developed...like caring so much what others think. And depending on my comfortable, American life. I want to be free. Use this month for big things in my faith, God. I am desperate for change. 

Two days until I am in Altea, Spain on the coast of the Mediterranean with like 15 other people in my group ready to read the Bible together, meet new people, and say YES. Yes to relationships that can lead to sharing about Jesus. Yes to going outside of my comfort zone, for the sake of trusting God more. Yes to letting God love me just as I am, faults and all. 

Dos dias. YES!

An ode to a forever friend

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one". -- C.S. Lewis 

I have a friend and she is like a sister to me. We quarrel and we spat words at each other and then the next day we giggle and share stories by the shoreline, and then the next day we discuss God & his ways, and then the following day we curiously wonder about our future lives & future spouses, and then the next day we snuggle and watch our shared television programs. She has forgiven me, she has encouraged me, she has prayed for me, she has competed against me, she has competed with me, she has shared her life with me and I have shared mine with hers. Amidst a lot of inconsistencies she has remained a constant friend. 

She has opened my eyes to new places, new worlds in books, new adventures, new wisdom (old wisdom- but new to me). 

Laura Boyer is like the wind. At times she presses forward as a stubborn force. Other times she is a breeze, refreshing and good for the soul. Another time she can be unpredictable; where will she go next, how will she swirl and soar? 

This wind, Laura, is leaving me. For a time. She goes on to Perú where only the Lord truly knows what lies in store for her. Her light has only gotten brighter and now she must shine it elsewhere. Sometimes God is like the wind, too. He sweeps you up and if you don't fight or move against Him He will carry you to His will. And that is a good place to be, swept up in the Lord. 

This is a tribute to my sweet Laura, my big sister. You are such an important person in my life that what might only be 6 months still seems like too long to be apart. 

Lists

I am copying Margaret Murphy because she is such a trend-setter. And my best friend. 
See: http://beautyinmymess.blogspot.com

Lately I love...

•  One-on-one time spent with friends- it's the best. I have enjoyed that with a few choice ladies this week.
• Having lunch with 5th graders who make me laugh.
• Holding newborn ducklings. As in, 1-day-old (kindergarten class has an incubator and the eggs hatched this week)!!
• Sara Bareilles' new song, Manhattan.

Lately I loathe...

• Bills...those awful white envelopes that you avoid opening for a few days :/
• The cracked screen of my phone from when I dropped it weeks ago. 
• My over the top, unbelievably unbearable, messy room.

Mostly I just...

• can't wait for summer and SPAIN! 
• need a haircut. These split ends are k-k-killin me. 
• am stoked that I like broccoli sprouts because I don't like broccoli or lots of other veggies but I will eat these and then when I am old and gray and strong with a good heart I will think, "thank heaven for those organic sprouts!" 

Now here, listen to Sara and make your own list, 

Italia

      Italy is but a whisper. A dream I am hoping will be awoken into reality. I have never felt this way about a place before. Well, about an international place that is.

      I know that I might have an idealistic, overly romantic notion of Italia...but...I don't know...could it all be true? I mean the culture, the food, the people, the warmth, the color, the food, the history, the food...it is all so enticing. And most people who have visited have very positive reports.

      I am drawn to the people just as much as everything else. They seem like my kinda people. Our neighbor (who is also our landlord) is 100% Italian. Lived in the states here for like 50 years and his English is still pretty rusty, his Italian accent in full force. He is a kind man, full of life and such a hard worker. I went over to their house to ask for more delicious organic tomatoes that he grows on a ranch in East county. We ended up talking and he literally cries at one point telling me about his heart transplant and how he prayed to some saint and is healthy now. It was so adorable. I told him how much I want to learn Italian and how I want to try his wife's delicious, authentic, Italian cooking.
He is from Napoli. Even the name is dreamy.

      Anyway, my heart aches for a real abundant trip to Italy. With no limits, going to all the cities I want. Getting a rich experience, meeting people, enjoying long lunches, diving into the sea, drinking wine, enjoying both the city life and most definitely the countryside.
Napoli, Florence, Tuscany, Venice, etc.

Some day. Oh Lord, please, some day